I remember when I was around ten or 11 years old, my father went to a relative's house on a Sunday afternoon. It's one of those 'distant' relatives, where it was merely a relation by blood, not of heart. But one thing I could remember while accompanying my father was being there with one of my cousins. She was probably around three years old, and the house was pretty much infested with roaches. I wouldn't dare sit down, as my three-year-old cousin attempted to talk to me. She had on a pink shirt that was smeared with punch, diapers that needed to be changed and she held on to a tattered stuffed animal that looked like it had seen better days. In the midst of her telling me about the house being cold the night before, I saw one of the bugs crawl across her bare foot. What was worse than that was her response, or rather her lack of one. She didn't budge. Didn't flinch, didn't jump, didn't go "eww," but rather continued with her monologue of how cold it was the night before. Her level of numbness to the situation, regardless of how terrible it may have been, haunted me and haunts me to this day.

When I heard the verdict in the Sean Bell case, I felt a familiar numbness. I didn't flinch, as if I was accustomed to the bug of injustice crawling over me and my people on a regular basis.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg in response to the shooting that took place two years ago said, "It sounds to me like excessive force was used," and called the shooting "inexplicable" and "unacceptable". 50 bullets were hailed at Bell and two of his friends after Bell's bachelor party (the two friends were also wounded).

My intention isn't to recap the case, or to question whether it was the prosecution's fault for letting this happen, or even go on an angry anti-police tirade. Instead it's to try and find some type of answer to help rid me of this numbness I feel towards the (in)justice system: a sentiment that is shared by people of color. Is it a clear issue of black versus white (three of the five officers involved in the shooting were also black), or is it an issue of abuse of power over a powerless community? These are questions that I really don't have answers for and, dammit, I'm frustrated.

We seem to be developing into a mature nation (with Obama being a viable presidential candidate, you can't help but believe change is in fact on the horizon). But with the Sean Bell tragedy, I really question this nation's ability to grow up. Are we ready for a Black president? An even better question is: Do we have a police force that actually serves and protects us? I'm speaking from a perspective of never having had a speeding ticket, never being arrested, never doing anything illegal. But yet, when I see a cop car, I feel an inexplicable anxiety.  Why do I feel this way for someone that is supposed to serve and protect me? Shouldn't I cheer their very existence and honk my horn with a smile when I see them like we would if we saw Spider Man swinging from the top of the State House across Main Street?

My heart is saddened and my spirits are low as, once again, I feel that we are treated like second-class citizens. Being a part of the hip-hop community, it's hard not to feel that law enforcement is afraid of young people of color. Again, I don't have the answers but I do have questions and hopefully something will come of them. In this day and age, I do hope that we will achieve change and eventually feel that we, as a people, are appreciated not just tolerated and protected. Be easy. Be strong.

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